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STAR Stories
A STAR Parent is a growing parent, not a perfect parent. That means as you apply the STAR process and tools, you will have some success and some failure – and you can learn from both.
The following are stories people have shared with us. Check back, as we will add stories.
- Two yeses before dinner
- Review & revise — How to change midstream
- What you sow, you reap
- Some days are like that
- Baby brother blues
Mom talks to Donna
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Two yeses before dinner
Ryan (age 4) wanted a whole package of cheese crackers at 5:45 pm. I told him that he could have two crackers now or the whole package after dinner.
Ryan thought for a bit and said, “I want the whole pack now.”
I repeated his options, “You may have two crackers now or a whole package after supper.”
He thought a moment and said, “I'll take two now.”
—Lisle
Review & revise - How to change midstream
Ruthie (age 6) came home from a friend's house, very upset. She dropped her coat and shoes on the floor and began spouting off how “little” she had gotten to do at their house . . . and that she had to go to the ball game and that it wasn't much fun.
I told her to calm down, and that it was rude to behave that way and started to leave the room. Then I thought again. I turned around, got down on her level and said, “Boy, you sound frustrated that the time at Martha's didn't go the way you wanted or expected.”
She came over and sat on my lap and got a big hug and said, “Yes.” Then she got up and put her coat and shoes away.
She came over and sat on my lap and got a big hug and said, “Yes.” Then she got up and put her coat and shoes away.
—Mary Ann
What you sow, you reap
Maddie helps
clean the sink
Children often respond to their parents with the same language parents use with them. This was evident the other day as Maddie, age 2½, sat and watched intently while her dad absently tied his shoes. When he was done, she looked at the mess of laces and told him to “Re-do it right.”
— Muriel and Matt
Some days are like that
I was rushing around to get everything done. The overdue library books were stacked by the door and my kids, Anna (age 4 1/2) and Austin (age 2 1/2), were dressed and ready to go. All I had to do was to grab my coat from my room. On my return, both kids were bare as new born babes and Austin was peeing on the library books.
I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. Sinking to the floor, I did both. Eventually I stopped and focused on what to do next. I reminded myself that my kids were safe and healthy and no permanent harm was done – except to two library books. I cleaned the mess (with the kids' “help”), redressed them, and we were finally on our way. My schedule was completely shot – ah, well, some days are like that.
— Kathy
Baby brother blues
Marian tells her
troubles to her doll
When Daniel came home from the hospital, Marian (almost 3) was confused, dejected, irritable. It was as though she no longer knew her place in the family. She didn't hurt Daniel, but she was difficult about almost everything else – using the potty, brushing teeth, going to bed, etc.
We put as few demands on her as we could and watched. We used the STAR points to support her as she rediscovered who she was. We listened and acknowledged her feelings. We looked for cooperative behavior to praise. We taught her skills, and we avoided tons of problems. We went light on limits, however, because she usually fights them.
Then she said... “Big sisters cooperate because they can, little kids can't.” “Big sisters use the potty; babies use diapers.” ...Wow!
At first, things were pretty rocky. Then things slowly started to change. First, she began to accept that she was a big sister. Then she slowly decided, “Big sisters cooperate because they can, little kids can't.” “Big sisters use the potty; babies use diapers.” (Note: we did not urge her to use the potty. She made this observation herself.)
— Brenda and Paul
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Last updated February 14, 2007
