STAR Parenting in action

Tami’s Tantrum

Whenever Tami can’t have what she wants she has a “fit.” For example, yesterday afternoon we were at a toy store to buy a birthday present. After we chose a present she wanted to buy a large, fancy birthday card. I told her that it was too expensive and she started yelling. When I said it was time to go home she tried to hit me, saying, “I won’t go home. Sally needs the card.”

Parenting is a wonderful job, and a frustrating one. When a preschooler spontaneously hugs you, parenting is delightful. When she pulls away, screams and refuses to cooperate, it is maddening. At those maddening times a parent often wishes for help. STAR Parenting offers that help and makes working with kids easier.

STAR Parenting is based on a star. The STAR offers you both a process and 15 tools to solve your problems. The STAR process has four steps: Stop, Think, Act, and Review. The 15 guidance tools are divided into five groups or points. First, we will look at the process and then we will look at the tools.

The STAR process.

The STAR Parenting process is based on the word STAR. Each letter stands for a different step of the problem-solving process:

Stop and focus on yourself, the child, and the problem. When you find yourself getting angry or frustrated, stop and take several deep breaths to calm yourself. Focus on what is bothering you and where you want to go before you do something that may make life more difficult for you and your child. Think about what you want for your child in the long run (your goals) and what the child is like (temperament and experience).

If the problem is ongoing, you may find it helpful to collect data on it. For example, how often does it happen? Is your child tired or frustrated when it happens? Are you stressed? etc. Sometimes the problem is different than you think. You can see how this process might work in the following example.

Tami’s mom, Debra, might have taken a deep breath to calm herself and said, “I can handle this with the STAR. Let me see: stop, calm myself, and focus on the situation. Okay, Tami and I are both tired and hungry. Tami is upset because I won’t buy a card. Since Tami often reacts intensely that’s no surprise. I want Tami to become a capable, caring, assertive adult. Right now she is being caring and assertive, but she needs more skill in asserting constructively. In the short run, I want her to learn to calm herself so she can think. I need to start collecting data on how often she is upset.”

Think of ideas. Lots of ideas. Different ideas. Include some silly ideas. When your mind is free enough to think of silly ideas, it is free enough to think of new, good ideas. Use the five points of the star as a place to start. Find one or two ideas for each point of the star. The 15 tools are illustrated in the following chart. The more ideas, the better at this step.

Debra might think: I could —

• Avoid the problem by shopping in the morning before Tami gets tired or restless.

• Acknowledge feelings by saying, “You’re disappointed we can’t buy the big card.”

• Teach new skills by showing Tami how to calm herself by taking three deep breaths, or singing a “Mad” song.

• Reward cooperation by saying, “You remembered to blow the mad feeling out,” or by giving her stickers.

• Set a limit by saying, “It’s okay to be upset, and I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

Act effectively. Choose several ideas, make a plan, and use it. A wonderful plan will not help if you don’t follow through. Get the support you need from family or friends to carry out the plan.

At the store Debra might decide simply to acknowledge Tami’s feelings and take her home. Once she is home, Debra needs to plan how to deal with the problem in the future. For example, she might think, “I want to teach Tami to calm herself. I will model taking deep breaths. When Tami tries to calm herself I will give her stickers. When she has five stickers we will make cookies. I need to make sure both Dad and the babysitter are watching for her effort. While she is learning, I will try to reduce our stress by taking Tami to the park each afternoon.”

Review, revise, reward. What is working? What needs to be changed? Few plans work completely the first time. Most successful parents tweak their plans several times before the situation is satisfactorily resolved. When you review the situation reward yourself. It is important to acknowledge effort as well as success.

A week later Debra could review what has happened. She might say to herself, “I did remember to model taking deep breaths when I was angry and Tami is beginning to do it, too. But I only went to the park twice. This week we can dance together in the afternoon if I don’t have time to go to the park. Next week if I exercise with Tami five days I will buy myself a rose.”

For most situations you can use these steps either deliberately or spontaneously. However, if you have a problem that’s really bothering you, set some time aside and go through the process step by step.

STAR points & tools.

STAR Parenting offers you five groups of tools — one for each point of the star (see above). Each point focuses on a different aspect of child guidance. Each point has several tools.

Avoid the problem. The purpose of avoiding problems is to reduce the number of hassles with kids so that you can work more effectively on the important issues. Many problems can be avoided by reducing stress, by changing the environment or schedule, or by offering children choices.

Encourage cooperation. The behavior you notice and comment on is the behavior you get. This is true regard less of whether you praise or nag. (The more you nag children to hurry, the slower they seem to move.) You can encourage behavior you want by looking for it, giving the child time to cooperate, and rewarding him or her. The reward can be as simple as a smile, or as complex as you wish.

Acknowledge feelings. Many problems arise from children’s feelings. Children need to know that feelings are different from actions. And they need to know that their feelings are accepted (not judged or changed). Often, simply acknowledging their feelings reduces objectionable behavior.

Set limits. Provide clear, reasonable rules. Tell the child what to do, rather than what not to do. For example, “No hitting” becomes “Touch gently.” “Stop throwing” can become “Roll the ball” or “Throw balls outside.” There don’t have to be many rules, but they need to be clear and age-appropriate.

Back up rules with consequences and dependable follow-through. Children learn more from what you do than what you say. If the toddler hits you, put her down and move away. If the four-year-old throws the ball, pick it up and put it away. Testing limits give kids security and strength, so respond gently, firmly, and consistently.

Teach new skills. Some problems arise because parents expect children to have skills they do not have. You can teach new skills (such as sharing, speaking quietly, or managing anger) by modeling, dividing the task into small pieces, and by asking the child to re-do it right.

You can see how Debra might have used the tools and points in the chart “Around the STAR with Temper Tantrums”. With so many ideas, how do you decide what to do? If your problem is not serious, you can experiment with different ideas. If the problem is serious or really bothers you, use the four steps to guide you. Develop a plan that involves all five points of the star.

The more points you use when dealing with a problem, the more likely you will be to resolve the situation satisfactorily. Most effective parents find they need to revise their plan several times.

As your child grows you will solve problems and have new issues emerge. STAR Parenting can help you grow with your child. A STAR parent is a growing parent, not a perfect parent

Around the STAR with Temper Tantrums Problem: Whenever Tami can’t have what she wants she has a “fit.” For example, yesterday afternoon we were at a toy store to buy a birthday present. After we chose a present she wanted to buy a large, fancy birthday card. I told her that it was too expensive and she started yelling. When I said it was time to go home, she tried to hit me, saying, “I won’t go home. Sally needs the card.”
Point/ purpose	Tools & examples
Avoid problems To reduce the number of problems so you can work on what is important.	Reduce stress of parent and/or child so situation does not become a problem. Two ways are getting exercise and allowing enough time. For example, a long walk, or marching to music with children. Change things or schedule. Go shopping in the morning while Tami is still fresh. Explain to her in advance where you will go and how much money you can spend. Offer two yeses for every no. You could say, “You may buy a small card now or make a big card when we get home.”
Acknowledge feelings To accept children’s feelings (not judge or try to change them).	Use simple listening. Non-committal acknowledgment like: Uh-huh, okay, really?, Oh, yeah, humm, tell me more, etc. Active listening. Say, “You’re disappointed we can’t buy the big card.” Grant in fantasy. Say, “Wouldn’t it be fun if you could buy any card you wanted. If we could buy all the birthday cards in the store. If we could buy all the birthday cards in the whole town.”
Teach new skills To give children the information and skills they need to cooperate.	Model desired behavior. For example, “I’m so mad, I’m going to take five deep breaths before I decide what to do.” Shaping. Divide the skill into “mini-steps” that are easier for Tami to do. First, practice breathing deeply when calm. Second, pretend to be angry and use deep breathing. Three, remind a grown up to “take five” deep breaths when upset. Four, take deep breaths yourself when you’re upset. Re-do it right. Notice the “old behavior” and return with the child to re-do it right. For example, say, “Oops, you forgot to ‘take five’ deep breaths.” Then put your arm around her gently and breathe with her.
Reward cooperation To encourage behavior you want by acknowledging it or rewarding it.	Give attention. Smile at her when she is playing well. Give effective praise. Praise is specific, sincere, and immediate. “I’m impressed you remembered to take five deep breaths.” Or, “I’ll bet you’re proud of the way you calmed yourself.” Reward behavior. Tell Tami, “Each time you use your words or take five breaths instead of screaming you may choose a star sticker. When you have five stickers, we will make cookies together.”
Set limits To establish clear boundaries for kids to test.	Clear, reasonable rules. “Use your words or cry in your room.” Give (Carry out) consequences. Carry Tami to her room if she continues to disturb others. Find A Better Way. A Better Way is an idea both parent and child like. Say, “Tami, my way is we buy a gift for Sally. Your way is to buy her a big card. What is a better way? — something we will both like?” Tami might reply she could make a big card at home or that you purchase the card and a less expensive gift.